“Shut up and ruin my structural integrity, you naughty cowboy builder,” a character called Slyvia screams in a rather raunchy book created by Uncommon for Habito, the online mortgage company.

The London creative studio called on the talents of Rocky Flintstone of My Dad Wrote A Porno fame and German-based illustrator Sebastian Schwamm to put together The Road to Completion after research found that the sex lives of homebuyers across the UK are being impacted by mortgage stress and that one in 10 couples aren’t intimate with one another during the mortgage application process.

It’s hoped that Flintstone’s short story of seduction, steamy encounters and Standard Variable Rates will help put the “moans back into mortgages”, reigniting intimacy among stressed-out couples on the brink of homeownership. The whole provocative tale is brought to life by Schwamm’s intricate and abstract illustrations that include humorous phallic cacti, protruding nipple shaped flowers and seductive keyhole openings – all paired with a beautifully jarring colour palette.

Released just in time for Valentine’s Day, the book follows frothy first-time buyers Sylvia and Tom as they embark on the girthiest project of their lives. Fun and dirty lines like, “Her nipples hardened like twin thread 42mm drywall screws” and “I want to redecorate your downstairs bathroom” give you a hint at what to expect.

Nina Beyers, creative at Uncommon said: “Finding the sweet spot between sex and mortgages allowed us to make something quite unusual with the incredible crew at Habito… an erotic novel about buying a house.”

Tom Espezel from Uncommon adds: “Yes, mortgages really can be sexy and badass. The collaboration between Rocky’s saucy words and Seb’s beautiful illustrations has given a whole new meaning to ‘property porn’.”

The book launch is available to read for free on Habito’s website or can be purchased via Amazon Kindle with all profits going to HIV and sexual health charity, the Terrence Higgins Trust. It’s being promoted in a wider campaign with risqué ads featuring in Grazia, The Guardian and Evening Standard Magazine.

After reading the book himself, Nils Leonard, co-founder at Uncommon said: “I had to sit down for a while.” We might have to do the same.

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