Imagine waking up to a scorpion as a sweet morning-after present. Or maybe you bring in a birthday with a handwritten card from Dad, asking you to fuck off. Sounds hardcore right? Well, that’s how it’s done on
But as HBO’s highly popular series crawls to a painful close, there’s one dreadful reality that remains unaddressed: no one, and I emphasize, no one on Succession knows how to give good gifts. Even though
In a world where you basically get everything you want, the Roys and those orbiting them never learn the tender, thoughtful, and mildly manipulative art of gift giving. Presents are a sure shot way to win brownie points, edge a friend closer, or even serve as bait. In the rich-eat-rich world of the show, the one percent constantly forget the power of genuinely thoughtful gestures. Succession is a lesson in the contrary, as the series shows us just how belittled and alone terrible gifts can make someone feel.
In honor of that very sentiment, here’s a ranking of the worst gifts ever exchanged on the show.
8. Connor and Willa’s Napoleon-Josephine letters
Credit: David Russsell/HBO
Who could have imagined that a Logan Roy gesture would emerge as the most thoughtful in any mix, and right before
In his typical standoffish money-is-everything fashion, Logan gives his firstborn a set of love letters that Napoleon Bonaparte wrote to his wife Josephine. It’s a clear nod to Connor’s undying obsession with the French Emperor; the hopeless presidential candidate even tries to get his hands on Napoleon’s severed penis in Season 2, episode 1, when it hits auction (and yes, it is an
7. Tom’s sycophantic Patek Philippe watch
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In the Succession series premiere, Tom, overwhelmed by a bout of wishful thinking, tries to butter up his then-girlfriend Shiv’s ice king father Logan with a very pricey Patek Philippe watch. “It’s incredibly accurate. Every time you look at it, it tells you exactly how rich you are,” Tom tells Logan. While the social climber breaks the bank for this gesture of sycophancy, his heart’s in the right place. However, the present shows a serious lack of understanding of this particular gift receiver. If it isn’t abundantly clear, billionaire Logan Roy can’t be bought.
Mocking Tom’s little gift-giving speech, Logan says, “That’s very funny.
6. Kendall’s iconic “L to the OG” rap
If there ever was a golden present for the audience, this is it. To commemorate 50 years of big daddy Logan running Waystar Royco, Kendall bestows the black tie event with an iconic performance of “
Unsurprisingly, Logan is not amused, especially when Kendall flings a baseball cap on his father’s head. In our eyes, babygirl Ken gets a 10 on 10 for this over-the-top gesture from Season 2, even though Logan absolutely hates it.
5. Stewy’s big, beautiful Trojan horse
Credit: David Russell/HBO
In the second episode of Season 3, all hell breaks loose after
Born in Greek mythology, the wooden horse has become symbolic for rebellion and stealth overthrows of power — the victorious ploy from the Trojan War saw the Greek army covertly gain access to the city through a gifted large wooden horse. Stressed out in his “hidey-hole”, Kendall struggles to find people he can trust and Stewy’s conflicting present only pushes him further off-kilter. To mess with an already broken babygirl is a sin like no other.
4. Shiv’s poisonous scorpion from Tom
Credit: David Russell/HBO
No relationship is sacred in Succession and
To everyone’s despair, the box encloses an acrylic resin paperweight boasting an entombed scorpion. When Shiv is understandably baffled, Tom insists the pre-party prezzie is a silly little joke, that the scorpion represents his wife and their poisonous relationship: “
3. The worst birthday card ever from Logan
Credit: Macall B. Polay/HBO
Logan sends his favourite errand boy Romulus to the party with a cruel greeting card in hand; the words “Happy Birthday” are crossed out and “Cash out and fuck off” is scribbled instead. Included within the card, a term sheet from Logan offering Kendall over $2 million to sell his share of the company. Few gifts can get worse than having your father wanting you gone from both his company and family while your smug little brother delivers the news at your birthday party.
2. Kendall’s kids’ (maybe thankfully) missing present
Credit: Macall B. Polay/HBO
The saga of sadness from Kendall’s fiery forty continues, and the episode is rightly titled “Too Much Birthday”. Just when we think things can’t possibly go more south for the most vulnerable Roy sibling, Kendall decides to make himself feel better by unwrapping the present that his oft-ignored kids apparently handmade for him. Unable to find it immediately, he goes on a rampage, toppling over a mound of very expensive gifts, in the hope of finding the blotchy wrapping of the one from his children.
When his girlfriend Naomi Pierce (Annabelle Dexter-Jones) interrupts the unraveling to give Ken the Rolex she bought him, the hungry-for-love birthday boy snaps at her, heartbroken that the lavish gift wasn’t even inscribed. How dare she? Basically don’t buy the Roys watches — it won’t go down well. We never learn if Kendall finds the gift from his kids but
1. Matsson’s endless creepy blood bricks
Credit: Graeme Hunter/HBO
In Season 4, episode 5,
To make things worse, the ex-lover in question was Ebba (Eili Harboe), GoJo’s head of communications, and Mattson’s particularly nasty form of harassment most definitely did not land as a “joke”. Still, the entitled techie continued to send her bricks “again and again.” Without a doubt, this takes the cake as the absolute worst “present” on Succession (yet).
Season 4 of Succession is