There always seems to be at least one person in any workplace whose goal in life is to make you miserable. We’ve all got to put up with these jerks day in and day out—but when the chance comes to get your revenge? There’s nothing more satisfying than that.
1. Special Delivery
Back in my early 20s, I worked as a delivery driver at a pizza joint close to the main college. After about four months of working there, the owner hired a friend of his to manage the joint since our current manager had just left. We’ll call the new guy “Donnie”. Donnie was the epitome of the “power trip for no reason” boss.
He would call you out for little mistakes, make you stay late to help do his job, throw you under the bus when talking to the owner, and always bail early. To top it all off, he was convinced everybody liked him. We even caught him taking from our tip jars a couple of times, but the owner never did anything about it.
Anyway, I had planned to go out one night with a girl I had just met and wanted to get off work a bit early so I could go home and wash the pizza smell off me. I asked Donnie if that was possible—and he absolutely lost it. You would have thought I’d asked for a raise, bonus, and a six-month vacation. Despite the fact that three drivers from the next shift had shown up already, he started shouting, “What, are you stupid?? We have three deliveries up!! You can stay until your shift is over”.
“That’s cool”, I thought. He was a jerk, but he was well within his right to make me stay until my shift was over. I sucked it up and started getting the last deliveries together. However, when he saw where I was taking one of the pizzas, he ordered—not asked—me to pick him up a chocolate shake from a drive-through joint close by.
I flat out told him, “No freakin’ way. You expect me to do you a favor when you won’t do me one? Suck it”. I grabbed the pizzas and stormed out. Donnie started yelling from the kitchen, something like, “Haha, look at him getting all political. Awww, I think he’s mad”. Granted his past behavior had factored into how angry I was over something pretty minor, but I was furious.
The universe had reached its jerk quota and beckoned to me to teach this moron a lesson. As I was driving away from the last delivery, I called the store and got Donnie on the phone. I apologized and said I would get him his milkshake, and even pay for it. I went by the drive-through of the fast-food place to get a 32oz chocolate milkshake.
Then, I made a beeline to the grocery store right down the street to pick up a family-size bottle of chocolate-flavored Ex-Lax. I poured half of the shake out—for me to enjoy later, of course—and mixed in about 15oz of Ex-Lax. Keep in mind: it only takes like two tablespoons of this stuff to give you a healthy case of the runs. It was on now.
After giving it to him, he said something about it tasting funny but still managed to inhale that sucker like a true fat boy. He didn’t even say “thanks”. Fast forward three hours or so, my date and I were cruising the bars and we headed into the pizza joint I worked at. Instantly, the cook made eye contact with me and came rushing over, practically falling over patrons.
Barely able to contain himself, he told me, “Donnie is having uncontrollable, violent diarrhea. He’s been in the bathroom since you left, has messed his pants already, and is making this place smell like an open sewer”. I went back to the kitchen and Donnie was nowhere in sight. But right as I started to talk to a fellow pizza slave, he came rushing from the bathroom.
His pants were half on-half off, one hand was out in front, and the other hand was holding his balloon knot shut. He had exhausted the entire restaurant’s toilet paper supply and was heading to the bar next door. The best part? He lived about 65 km (40 miles) away and continued pooping himself periodically throughout the trip home.
Despite everybody knowing the true story, though, he never figured it out and blamed the fast-food joint for his wild ride on the Hershey Highway. I think the whole ordeal humbled him a bit because he ended up turning into a decent guy.